DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced from my ex-husband, “Cliff,” for a year and a half. My nearly adult children live with me. They rarely see their dad. Our divorce was relatively painless, but the custody battle was prolonged, and most of my savings were drained in the process. Cliff pays child support, but I’m still struggling financially to raise two growing teenagers, and I’m worried about them going off to college.
A few months ago, I reconnected with a childhood friend I’ll call “Rob.” We have rediscovered our friendship and see each other often. He recently expressed interest in a romantic relationship. Abby, I’m still in love with my ex-husband! It wasn’t my choice to separate, and although Rob is very sweet, I don’t feel comfortable moving on so quickly. However, he has a high-paying job, and when we occasionally go out to dinner, he always pays the bill. I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford my kids’ college without his financial support.
I’m torn between my love for my children and my continued love for my ex-husband. Should I pursue this relationship even though I don’t feel the same? — ANGUISHED IN ALBUQUERQUE
DEAR ANGUISHED: Tell Rob you are still not over your divorce, and while you like him very much and enjoy his company, you are not ready for a romantic relationship. It is the truth, and he deserves that. As to the fact that you think you still love the husband who wanted the divorce, it’s time to accept that the marriage is history. Once you do that, you may find a future with Rob more to your liking.
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DEAR ABBY: I am someone who calls friends, but they never call back. When I call, they are happy to hear from me, the conversations are lively and fun, and the friends say they love it when I call. I do not call often, and I don’t feel I’m making a nuisance of myself. However, like I said, they DON’T CALL BACK.
I can understand not hearing from newer friends, but I resent not hearing from ones I’ve had my whole life. I could have died, and they couldn’t bother to find out if I’m OK or get an update on my life. I know I should drop them and move on, but I can’t. I need help with that. These are people I’ve never had a cross word with. Something — it could be an upcoming holiday — reminds me of them, and I want to make contact. Why do people do this to people they say they love and care about? — PERPLEXED IN FLORIDA
DEAR PERPLEXED: People behave this way because they are stressed, busy or distracted. Most of the time, it isn’t personal. Not everyone is a “caller” like you are. If you want to maintain these relationships, you have to be prepared to do the calling. I’m not saying this to be judgmental or to make excuses for them; it’s just a fact of life.
(Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.)
